Spiral (Off the Ice Book 2)

“I SHOULD GO.”

Those are the words that came out of my mouth. Those are the words that made Sage’s head rear back in shock. And those are the words that make me want to bang my head against the wall.

She told me she loved me, and I choked.

Suddenly, Socket’s words of wisdom about breaking the box come back to me. But the sound of his voice is a distant memory, because I’ve officially discovered hell on earth. You’d think living in the hockey house for so many years, I’d have witnessed it long ago. But this, this is torture.

When I left Sage in my bed after saying those words, I couldn’t stay in the apartment. I drove to Socket’s house. He was more than happy to have me, so I slept on his couch. The sleep was terrible, and my nightmares ran rampant. When I woke up sweating, I hoped to find Sage’s soothing touch, but I was alone, and regretted my every decision.

The look on Sage’s face last night has stuck to my mind like a leech. Trying to detach from the mess I made has proved useless.

And now, I have to face the media.

“They say behind every great man is an even greater woman. Do you think you owe any of your success this playoff season to a very popular ballerina?”

As they ask their questions, a feeling that’s somewhere between heartburn and death roars in my chest.

I was too cowardly to say anything, because the emotion in her words had pulled all mine out of my head. The reason I’ve been single for so long doesn’t feel so important anymore. I’ve realized that my determination not to let my biological father interfere with my family has made me suffer alone for so many years. I’ve been avoiding new relationships to protect myself from being exploited, but being with Sage has never felt like I was compromising my rules.

Her plea to try ripped me up, because as much as I may be ready to forget the rules and say yes, I can’t.

She doesn’t need to have her heart split in two because I’m too greedy to let her go. I’ve seen the way she is with Sean when he’s in school; she berates herself for missing his call after a long day of rehearsals and teaching. It gets her down, despite him reminding her that it’s okay. It makes her question whether she’s a good sister.

If she ever questioned herself with me, it would destroy me.

I could be selfish, and fuck, I want to be. But I could never take from her. I’d happily give her every part of me, if I could be confident that it wouldn’t hurt her to leave. But I know Sage, and I know she gives her all to the people she cares about. She’ll try her hardest to give her all to me, when she should be focused on her career—the reason we started this whole thing. And I won’t be the one to make her forget it.

I clear my throat. “Her devotion to her career inspired me to do more with mine. She’s my anchor, and I owe her for more than just my improvement on the ice.”

“As hockey fanatics we all have our superstitions, so the fans want to know if she’ll be joining us for game six,” another reporter asks.

Fuck if I know. I might have screwed up everything last night. She was spilling her heart out, and I couldn’t even speak.

“I’m sure she’ll be supporting the team just like she has every step of the way.”

I doubt she’ll be here tonight. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about that. I’m not supposed to have any distractions right now, but when there’s a bullet-size hole in my chest, it’s inescapable.

The questions don’t change course, but when Aiden walks into the locker room, the reporters are quick to head over to him next. Based on the look he gives me, he’s only talking to them for me.

When he’s done his round of press, he comes to me.

“Here to check on me?” I mutter.

“Fuck, no.” Aiden appears frustrated. “I told you to tell me if you started feeling bad again. But you didn’t, and now look at you.”

“I feel fine,” I lie.

“Yeah? So, last night when you left the apartment, that was you feeling fine?”

I scratch the back of my neck.

“You can tell me, man. I’m here,” he urges.

“It’s this thing with Sage—I can’t fake it anymore.” I drop my head in my hands. “But a relationship isn’t a possibility with us, it never was.”

“You love her?”

I stare at him. “Of course I fucking do.”

“Then tell her that,” he urges. “Sage looks at you the same way you look at her. As your roommate it’s uncomfortable as hell, but as your best friend it makes me happy for you. You haven’t allowed yourself to be with someone the way you’ve been with her, ever, especially after what happened at worlds.”

There’s a rusty knife that stays lodged in my sternum. “Because when you let people in, you let them see all your vulnerabilities. She doesn’t need to see all of mine.”

“Did she tell you that?” he probes. “Because I’m pretty sure you know that she’d say you’re an idiot for thinking she doesn’t want all of you. What’s really stopping you?”

I groan. “She’s leaving. After she finishes the performances here, she’ll have to go on a tour with the company, and she’ll be gone for a year or more.”

“You know, I used to think you were the smarter one between the two of us.” He releases a sardonic breath. “We grew up together, Eli, so I know how your weird brain makes you think you’re not worth it, but I’m telling you, you are. And I’m sure if you had the balls to ask her, she’d say the same thing.”

“I don’t want to be the one to make her choose between me or her dream.”

He laughs this time. “Who said she has to choose? Long distance exists for a reason. I’m living proof of that.”

Summer and Aiden have created a schedule that works for them. Those two have never been more in love, and even when she’s not visiting, he’s happy because they both get to do what they love and still have each other.

“She won’t just be a few hours away. She’ll be across the world for months at a time. If this year is any indication of how busy the season gets, I won’t have the luxury to go see her whenever I want.”

Aiden stands abruptly. “When you realize that one day you’ll get the chance to wake up and have your whole world right beside you, a few months or years is nothing. The distance might test your relationship—and trust me, it fucking does—but it doesn’t define your outcome. That’s up to you to decide. So, considering you’re in love with the girl, you should probably tell her before she thinks you’re not.”

When he steps away, there isn’t enough oxygen in the room. I barrel through the open doors and into the hall, wiping my face with a towel and mulling over Aiden’s words.

I spot Marcus Smith-Beaumont walking down the hall right toward me. He doesn’t speak, only tilts his head toward his office before disappearing inside. I follow, wiping the sweat beading my forehead.

“I don’t like you, Elias.”

Yeah, no shit. “That’s why you called me in here? To tell me that?”

He sits on a corner of his wooden desk. “I’m not one to mix personal and professional business, but when my niece asks to stay with me for the first time in years, I need to know what’s going on.”

My gaze snaps from the floor back to him. “She did?”

“I assume it’s worse than I thought if you don’t know.”noveldrama

My exhalation is loud. Marcus Smith-Beaumont is the last person I want to admit to that I’ve done something idiotic. “She was vulnerable with me, and I choked. I disappointed her. I couldn’t say what she needed me to because I don’t know if I’m good enough for her.”

Marcus pinches the bridge of his nose like I’m a nuisance. This is going as well as I expected.

“So, out of everything I said to you, that’s what you listen to?” He mutters something to himself. “I’ve seen my niece through many phases, and she’s never been the way she is with you.”

I don’t know if that helps the pain or makes it worse.

“Sage feels the need to perform. I’ve seen her do it with her parents and her ex. But when she’s with you, she becomes the Sage I saw before her childhood was ripped away from her.” He looks at me dead on. “I don’t know you, Eli, despite thinking that I did. I’m taking a second look because of what Sage has brought out in you. This is the first time you seem like you know what you’re doing. On and off the ice.”

“Because it’s easy with her.” My mouth doesn’t get the memo to stop speaking, because I continue. “But I know she’d be a lot happier without having me as a burden.”

“You sure? Because that girl cares about you almost as much as she cares about Sean and me. I don’t see a reason for you to think that you’re bad for her, unless you don’t care about her.”

“Of course I care. I care more about her than about hockey.” I shut my trap immediately. This is the fucking general manager, and telling him hockey isn’t my priority might be the dumbest thing I’ve done all season.

“Don’t ever repeat that to anyone, but I’m glad to hear it. You take care of her, Eli.”

“It’s not like that with us. She’s leaving and I’ll be here. It … it was never supposed to be like this.”

“Plans change when you least expect them to.” He finally motions for me to sit, and I do. “A few years back, I thought I had a beautiful fiancée, a house, and a career people dream about, but then those kids needed someone. I took a hiatus, and the woman I thought was going to be my wife said things about those kids I can never forgive. Not everything works out as planned, but as long as the people I love are with me, I don’t care about the rest.”

“You gave it all up for them?”

“It’s not giving anything up when you know what you’re gaining is much more valuable. I only made sure they knew they were my priority, even if they decided to go another route.” He taps the desk with his fingertips. “So, I won’t interfere, because you two have some things to figure out. But if you hurt her, Eli, I’ll find a way to hurt you much worse. And if you hurt yourself in the process—well, I won’t go easy on you then either.”

The weight of a decision sits on my shoulders like a bag of rocks.

And now, with the biggest game of my career about to begin, I can’t stop thinking about everything I should have said to Sage.